A Child Grows Up Watching Their Father’s Back

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There is a Japanese saying:

“父の背中を見て育つ” (Chichi no senaka o mite sodatsu)

It means “A child grows up watching their father’s back.”

It’s a reminder that our kids learn far less from what we say, and far more from what we do.

They study how we handle stress, how we treat people, how we carry ourselves. They’re not just listening—they’re absorbing, imitating, and shaping their future based on our example.

That’s why every small choice we make as fathers matters.

Think about it—

• How do you approach your job?

• How do you talk to your wife?

• How do you solve problems?

• How do you overcome challenges?

• How do you face your fears?

Your child is watching. They’re learning. Whether you like it or not, you’re building their blueprint for life.

Five Behaviors Kids Want to See in Their Fathers

Here are five behaviors kids crave from their fathers—and how we can set the right example:

1.  Respect in Relationships

Your children see how you treat your spouse, family, and even strangers. Do you model patience, kindness, and respect—even when stressed? Kids notice.

Children pay very close attention to how we treat people — especially our spouse, their mother, and anyone in our circle.

Respect is more than polite words. It’s tone, body language, consistency, and the way we show up, even when no one’s watching.

If a father constantly interrupts, belittles, or speaks harshly to his wife, that’s what kids think a “normal” marriage looks like.

If a father listens attentively, uses calm words, and shows appreciation, that’s the standard they’ll carry forward into their own relationships.

Respect sets the tone for the household — and our children are constantly studying the tone we set.

Day Warrior Real-Life Examples:

• At the dinner table:
  

  Instead of staring at your phone while your wife is talking, you set it down, look her in the eyes, and listen. Your kids learn that respect means giving people your full attention. This is one of the things my wife and I struggle with. I work a typical 9-to-5 job, and I am also starting my own business. My wife is also working hard to start her own business. This means our noses are buried in our phones more than they should be, including at the dinner table. We make a strong effort to keep the kitchen table device-free.

• During conflict:
  

  What if your wife snaps at you after a stressful day? Instead of firing back, you take a breath and respond with calm words. Your children learn that disagreements don’t need to be wars — they can be solved with patience and self-control. I know we do a good job of this because both my boys remember only a few times when my wife and I have had "the gloves come off" level of fighting in front of them.

• Public settings:
  

  You open the door for a stranger, greet the cashier with a smile, or tip the waiter well. Your kids learn that respect isn’t just for loved ones — it’s a way of treating everyone you encounter. I make a concerted effort to be courteous to everyone, including those who are difficult. I try to teach my boys the importance of de-escalation. We should stand our ground when required, but it is also essential for our kids to learn that some fights just are not worth the trouble that might result. There is a crucial line between defending your hurt pride and keeping your family safe.

By consistently showing respect, fathers demonstrate to their kids that love is more than a feeling — it’s a disciplined practice of valuing people through action.

2. Work Ethic and Discipline

Your children see how you show up — not just when it’s easy, but especially when it’s hard.

Discipline is about consistency, not perfection. When you keep your word, wake up early, follow through on commitments, or push yourself when no one’s watching, you’re teaching your kids that success doesn’t come from luck — it comes from effort stacked day after day.

Kids don’t understand your work emails, spreadsheets, or meetings. However, they know the importance of energy, attitude, and consistency. They can tell if you’re engaged, lazy, or cutting corners. And they’ll copy the standard you set.

Day Warrior Real-Life Examples:

• Morning routine:

  You wake up before your kids, exercise, and read instead of sleeping in or scrolling on your phone. They learn that discipline starts before the world is awake. This is actually something I struggle to demonstrate with my kids, and writing this newsletter has made me rethink my approach. One thing I often write about is how I make great use of my weekend morning by heading to the local coffee shop to get my work done. I do this so I can get some important tasks done before the rest of the family wakes up. I also do this so I do not lose my shit with my kids first thing in the morning because they are distracting me from getting my work done. The problem is that they cannot observe this routine when I am not home. I may have to rethink my weekend routine.

• Household responsibilities:

  If you mow the lawn, fix the broken door, or take out the trash without complaining, they learn that work isn’t something to avoid. Work and chores are something to tackle with pride. At home, we need to make a greater effort to demonstrate this to our children. I am usually working 7 days a week. I do not work 18-hour days, 7 days a week, so I always have something going on. One of my bad habits is commenting that I am tired or that there is too much going on, which does not set the right example for my kids. I often have to remind myself to reframe my thoughts before showing this kind of weakness about a busy schedule in front of my kids.

  Another critical point about chores around the house. I have been the fixer of "stuff" at home for most of my life. My dad wasn't very handy at home, so I would often fix things, and that habit continued into my adult life. That is part of my identity and an essential component of my skill stack. The issue is that I focus on getting things done quickly and correctly, and am missing out on an opportunity to allow my boys to figure some of this stuff out. If you are like me, maybe slow down and let your kids make the same mistakes, fixing things that you learned when you were younger.

• Health choices:

  You skip fast food after a long day and make a healthier meal at home. Your kids see that discipline applies to both the body and the mind. This one I see directly in both my boys, but with different results. My youngest hears and sees my wife and me talk about the importance of eating healthy and seeks out similar healthy foods, less junk food, and more fruits. With my oldest, it's a struggle to keep him away from processed candy, cookies, or other munchies.

Work ethic and discipline aren’t just “adult lessons.” They’re seeds we plant every day in our children. When they grow up, they won’t remember your words as much as they’ll remember watching your back as you lived with discipline.

3. Emotional Control

Your kids don’t just hear what you say — they feel how you react.

When life doesn’t go your way, do you explode? Shut down? Or stay steady?

I can explode from time to time.

It is something I continually work on. There is a fine line between being a firm father to support my wife and really losing it with my boys.

Sometimes dealing with my boys feels like living with tiny lawyers who know every loophole in the system and are dead set on testing your patience contract every single day. They know the exact words that will piss me off.

It is like a video game to them—pressing every single button to see if they get a prize.

Children are emotional sponges. If they see you lash out in anger, they’ll think that’s how strong men deal with stress.

If they see you panic, they’ll assume fear means stop.

If they see you remain calm, breathe, and think before acting, they learn that true strength is self-mastery.

Self-control doesn’t mean bottling everything up. It means being aware of your emotions and choosing how to respond rather than being ruled by them.

Day Warrior Real-Life Examples:

• At home after work:

  You walk in the door exhausted and frustrated. Instead of snapping at your wife or kids, please take a minute to reset and greet them with warmth. From this effort, your kids will learn that emotions can be managed, not dumped. I often make the mistake of coming home after work, wanting to get right to the stuff I want to work on, thinking I deserve that time after a hard day of work. I often need to remind myself that they have not seen me all day and want to interact. They actually missed me, even though they don't always act like it. Even an example from yesterday, my wife had many things to talk about, and all I was thinking about was the projects I wanted to get to downstairs. I was impatient but caught myself and adjusted.

• During sibling fights:

  Your kids start arguing loudly. Instead of shouting over them, kneel down, separate them calmly, and guide them to resolve the issue. They learn that problems can be solved without raising their voices. Okay, this advice is probably bullshit. My kids never listen to me either when I try to get them to start fighting, and it is typically me getting loud and threatening to take away their PlayStation for a week.

  I must admit, it's amusing when they don't even listen to Grandma when they are fighting. There's a lot of bribing and gift-giving to prevent fights when grandma comes to town.

• When things break:

  The TV remote is missing, a glass spills, or the car won’t start. Instead of muttering complaints, you say, “Okay, let’s figure this out.” They learn that problems are solved by action, not by anger. I have to be honest, the TV remote missing gets me every single time. It is my kryptonite. I have my snacks, sometimes a beer, ready to watch my Detroit Tigers game, and then, "Where is the remote?" I start acting like a four-year-old who has had his favorite candy taken away. If you have any advice on how to keep your patience when the remote is not where it is supposed to be, please let me know.

4. Problem-Solving and Resilience

Life doesn’t hand us a smooth road. It throws flat tires, late bills, lost jobs, and tough decisions at us. What matters most is not if we face problems, but how we respond to them.

It is also essential that we take action and face our problems, rather than cowering and hiding.

At an early age, our children need to learn to reframe problems as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than something to fear.

Your kids are watching every time you hit an obstacle. Do you complain and give up? Do you give up? Do you hide?

As a parent, you should teach your children to adapt, reframe, and keep moving forward.

Resilience isn’t about pretending things don’t hurt. It’s about standing back up, adjusting your plan, and continuing the fight. Problem-solving is resilience in action.

When fathers model resourcefulness and grit, they give their children the gift of courage. They demonstrate that no setback is final, and no problem is too big for their will to overcome.

Day Warrior Real-Life Examples:

• Financial challenges:
  

  An unexpected bill hits the budget. Instead of whining, you sit down, cut unnecessary expenses, and explain to your kids why sacrifices matter. They learn that problems require solutions, not excuses.

  The whole allowance and doing chores at home game feels so much different today than it did when I was a child. The number one example that comes to mind is baseball cards. When I was a kid, I could buy a pack of baseball cards for $0.15 to $0.20 each. For a dollar, I could get five packs. For two dollars, I could get 10 packs! Today, that same pack of baseball cards costs between $4 and $7. That is a 2000 to 3000 percent increase in cost. It costs my kids $70s to buy 10 packs of baseball cards today. The idea of kids doing a few chores around the house to earn $70 is a crazy concept. Toys and baseball cards were priced in such a way that when I was a kid, doing simple chores around the house could put many really cool toys within my reach. Today, everything is priced for parents to buy, not for kids. Even with the nice allowance I give to my kids, many of the things and the quantity of things I could obtain when I was a kid feel out of reach for my kids today. The reason I bring this up is that I think it makes it more complicated as a parent to teach some of the financial management to our kids because we are sometimes forced to reward our kids with inappropriate amounts of allowance or cash for chores to give them a fighting chance to get more than one pack of baseball cards. The baseball card industry has effectively ruined what used to be fun for kids and turned it over to adults with careers.

  My oldest son will be taking financial planning as an elective in his sixth-grade class. I am very excited to hear what he learns in that class and to compare notes.

• Sports losses:

  
  Your child’s team loses badly. Instead of blaming the coach or refs, you tell them, “We learn more from losing than winning — now let’s figure out what to improve.” They learn that failure is feedback, not defeat.

  
  My son struggles with umpires making bad calls in baseball. At his age, umpires are often high school students or retirees who may struggle with poor vision. Their umpiring skill stack is not what my son likes it to be. Balls and strikes are called inconsistently. Every game has numerous obviously missed calls on the field. For my son, who puts his heart and soul into the game, this can be very frustrating, and he often gets visibly upset on the field when the umpire makes an obvious mistake.

  
  I did not make much progress with him when I mentioned that the umpires were doing this as a part-time job, and he should lower his expectations. My son's attitude was that since he puts in the effort to show up and play hard, he expected the umpires to do the same.

  
  Since that approach did not work, I decided to get him to reframe the issue. I told him to think about it as an opportunity to lead his team. He is one of the better players on the team. He is blessed with excellent eye-hand coordination for his age.
  

• DIY home repair:

  The faucet won’t stop leaking. Instead of ignoring it, you watch a tutorial, grab your tools, and fix it. Your kids learn that most problems can be solved if you’re willing to learn and try.

  I already used this example above, but in the opposite way. I do not ignore the problems; I fix them quickly and very effectively myself. I always have to remind myself to slow down and take the time to involve my boys.

  Fixing things isn’t just about saving money or avoiding a service call; it's about maintaining your property's value. It’s about building self-reliance, problem-solving, and confidence. When kids learn to tighten a screw, patch a wall, or fix a leaky faucet, they’re learning skills that transfer far beyond the house.

  They begin to understand the importance of responsibility, realizing that problems don’t disappear by ignoring them — they are solved by taking action. Every repair becomes a mini-puzzle, teaching them how to analyze, test, and adjust, which develops a problem-solving mindset that carries into school, work, and relationships. With each successful repair, their confidence grows, reinforcing the powerful belief: “I can figure things out.”

  They also gain respect for effort, realizing the time and care it takes to maintain things. Instead of expecting everything to stay together magically, they begin to value hard work and persistence. Most importantly, they learn by watching us — their fathers — roll up our sleeves. One day, they’ll pass those same skills and attitudes down to their own children.

  Teaching kids how to fix things isn’t about chores. It’s about equipping them to face life’s inevitable breakdowns with resilience, resourcefulness, and grit.

5. Courage to Do Hard Things

Courage is not the absence of fear — it’s choosing to act despite fear.

As fathers, our kids don’t need us to pretend we’re fearless. They need to see us acknowledge the challenge, square our shoulders, and step forward anyway.

Hard things come in many forms: difficult conversations, career risks, physical challenges, and even admitting when we’re wrong. Each time we show courage, our children learn that bravery is not about being unshaken — it’s about being unwilling to quit.

One of the hardest things I've ever done was leaving the comfort of my home and familiar surroundings to move to Japan. I had to make this decision and take action twice. Once when I went to Japan as an exchange student, and once when I returned to start my twenty-plus-year career.

Talking about a scary decision.

This decision was not one of those rip the band-aid and go for it situations. Decisions were made, but I had to stick to it through months of applications, visas, ticket purchases, job interviews, apartment searches, and cutting ties with a familiar life in Michigan.

This was not a decision made situation, and head down, get it done.

There was a decision made.

Then there were fears and doubts.

Followed by some second-guessing.

There were definitely some weak-in-the-knees, give-up moments.

I still remember the night before my flight to Japan, when I started a one-year exchange program.

I was hanging out in my bedroom with my dad and two best friends at the time.

I was filled with doubt, maybe even looking for a last-minute out.

My friends and dad would not give me an out.

Even my dad, who had to say goodbye to his oldest son, stood by me and realized the importance of the opportunity.

That was the last night my dad was my dad, in the sense that I was his son, living under his roof.

That was the day I left home permanently, and I didn't think about it that way until I wrote this newsletter.

Leaving home that day was the best day of my life, but also the hardest.

If we avoid the hard stuff, our kids learn avoidance. If we confront it, they learn resilience, strength, and faith in themselves.

Day Warrior Real-Life Examples:

• Facing your own fears:

  You’re nervous about speaking in public, but you step up and deliver your presentation at work. Later, you tell your kids how you pushed through the fear. They learn that courage grows by doing, not by waiting.

  
  I mentioned my Japan story above, but returning to the United States after twenty years reawakened the same fears I had when I first moved to Japan. The difference this time was that my sons, aged four and six, had front-row seats to see how their dad would handle this situation.

  
  The change was difficult, but my family and I are in a better position today than we were five years ago. Do I miss Japan? Every day. However, freedom and growth only come through sacrifice and embarking on new journeys.
  

• Standing up for values:

  You see someone being mistreated at work or in public. Instead of staying silent, you speak up respectfully. Your kids learn that courage means standing up for what’s right, even when it’s uncomfortable.
  
  This is challenging, especially in today's world.

  
  I remember walking down a neighborhood street in Japan with my four-year-old in my arms. A woman approached me and asked in broken English, "Are you American?" I nodded in agreement, and the woman immediately became hysterical, screaming at me that I should be ashamed to be an American. She was making such a scene in front of my son that everyone on the street stopped to observe the show.

  
  My gut told me to defend my ground and give it right back to this crazy person.

  
  But with my son there, I managed to keep my cool.

  
  While he was probably too young to understand the situation fully, I am sure he felt reassured by his dad's calm behavior in front of the crazy person.
  

• Apologizing when wrong:

  You lose your cool and snap at your kids. Instead of brushing it off, you sit down, apologize, and take responsibility for your mistake. They learn that real strength is admitting faults and making them right.

  Apologizing when you’re wrong might feel uncomfortable, but it’s one of the most powerful lessons you can teach your kids. Too many men mistake an apology for weakness when, in reality, it takes humility and courage to admit mistakes. When you look your child in the eye and say, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry,” you’re modeling accountability, integrity, and respect. Your kids learn that real strength isn’t about always being right — it’s about owning your actions and making things right.

Final Thoughts

Your kids don’t grow up on your words.

They grow up on your example.

Every time you show respect, every time you stay disciplined, every time you control your emotions, solve problems, or face fear with courage — you are creating the code your children will one day live by.

The question is not “Are they watching?”

The question is “What are you showing them?”

You don’t have to be perfect.

None of us is.

You have to be intentional.

“父の背中を見て育つ” (Chichi no senaka o mite sodatsu)

Your back is the classroom they follow.

Ask yourself this simple question:

“If my children copied everything I did today, what kind of men or women would they become?”

If the answer doesn’t sit right — tomorrow is your chance to reset.

Lead with respect.

Stay disciplined.

Show patience.

Keep solving problems.

Have courage.

Your children are watching.

Set an example worth following.

I would love to hear your stories.

Please share them.

The Day Warrior

Hey everyone, first off—thank you so much for being part of this community and loving the content I create. Your views, likes, and comments mean the world to me and keep me motivated to bring you more of what you enjoy. 

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