Discipline. Respect. Talent Stack.

This quote reminds me of the struggle many boys face — school teaches them to follow rules, but life teaches them to think, move, and create.

I often think about boys in school today, and whether the rules have their best interests in mind.

There’s that old saying: “Boys will be boys.”

When I was a kid, that phrase meant something innocent — a recognition of energy, curiosity, and the restless drive that pushes young men to climb higher, run faster, and explore further.

Today, when I attend parent-teacher conferences, it often feels like an accusation.

Those very traits that once built inventors, soldiers, explorers, and leaders are now often seen as disruptions to be managed.

While I have a limited perspective on schools today —specifically the schools my boys have attended—it does feel like they reward quiet compliance. They penalize motion, volume, and challenge — the very instincts that, if guided, could become resilience, leadership, and courage.

This concept was confusing to me, so I created the chart below:

A boy who fidgets is labeled distracted.

A boy who questions too much is called disrespectful.

A boy who gets frustrated is told to calm down rather than shown how to focus his energy.

The problem isn’t that “boys will be boys.”

The problem is that we’ve forgotten how to teach boys to channel that energy into purpose.

Discipline isn’t about suppressing their nature — it’s about refining it.

Respect isn’t about silence — it’s about self-control.

Education shouldn’t tame boys into passivity; it should train them to direct their strength toward meaningful goals.

I received one of those fun emails from oldest son's teacher this week, "your son's behavior is not meeting our expectations, it is going down hills, this been happening for weeks."

It was one of those emails where something has been bugging the teacher for a few weeks, they meet with the other teachers, and before you know it, you get this one-sided email telling you that your kid has been a problem, we are worried about them, and as his parents you must do something about it.

Our oldest son can be a handful — both at home and at school — so I try to approach these situations with an open mind. I always expect him to show respect for his teachers, but I’ve also noticed a pattern. Most of the emails and demerits seem to come from group situations — a bunch of boys goofing around, and my son ends up getting one as part of the “team.” Sometimes he’s the only one caught; other times, someone decides to single him out.

When I take a step back, stay patient, and gather all the facts, I often find that he wasn’t the main instigator. More often than not, it feels like the teachers are overreacting or treating shared mischief as a one-person offense.

This past week is was the "group of boys screwing around in church," and he along with the other boys got a demerit. While I am not 100% fine that he got a demerit, it was just a bunch of boys being boys.

The difference this week was that my sons proceeded to make an paper airplane out of his demerit and got a second demerit for the laugher it created with his friends.

While wrong, I am not sure my son took me too seriously because I could not wipe the smile off my face because he did that. All of us dads recognize what a masterful and creative move turning the demerit into a paper airplane is. Just a silent act of boyhood defiance. I told everyone at work about the demerit paper airplane incident and everyone reacted like I did, they laughed.

The demerits in the class where the catalyst to what happened a few days later which was an angry outburst from my son, not directed at his teacher, but his pencil case and some items on his desk. He had forgotten to do some reading assignment the day prior which was going to put him behind on classroom work that day. He got very frustrated with the situation, had homework backing up, and was already having a bad weak, because he felt the first demerit was not appropriate.

I responded to the teacher politely and said all the "right things."

I’ve been around long enough, and experienced enough, to know that nothing in life is ever completely straightforward.

I politely told the teachers that we spoke to my son about respect, emotional control, and the demerit issue, I also made it clear that this situation isn’t one-sided.

I’m realistic — I know the teachers aren’t giving me the full story.

I know my son isn’t giving me the full story either, but I trust him 100%.

Here’s what really bothered me:

The teachers mentioned that my son struggles with emotional control and focus, but there was no consideration that they might also play a part in the dynamic. The sample size was small and only with a few of the teachers in subjects he does not like as much and only the short period of time they meet with him.

I know my son.

He’s passionate, curious, and he doesn’t suffer fools lightly — and unfortunately, the world has plenty of them. He sometimes has trouble managing his emotions when he feels others are being unfair or careless.

We saw glimpses of this during his baseball season.

He’s a talented player — focused, serious, and driven. Every morning he studies highlights from all the MLB teams, and he idolizes Shohei Ohtani from the Dodgers, proudly wearing number 17 on every jersey for every sport he plays.

This year, for the first time, I saw him show visible frustration on the field after bad calls from umpires — raising his arms in disbelief, shaking his head, walking off upset. His coach and I both talked to him afterward.

We didn’t scold him.

Instead, we talked about leadership — how his teammates look up to him and mirror his attitude.

We told him not to bury his emotions, but to redirect them — to lead by example.

If he can stay composed, the rest of the team will follow.

This past Saturday, I watched him and his classmates play three straight hours of YMCA basketball — nonstop energy, teamwork, and focus.

I observed them play against a much larger 7th grade team who fouled them hard throughout the entire game, including my son who had his glassed knocked off his face multiple times.

These boys, who are labeled troublemakers in school kept their cool against the much larger team, showed zero fear, and defeated them. That require discipline, emotional control and teamwork, things the teacher told me my son was lacking.

I know who the “troublemakers” are at school.

None of them were causing trouble on the court.

What also frustrates me is hearing teachers say, “Other teachers have mentioned similar behavior,” without offering names, examples, or context.

Meanwhile, his accelerated math teacher recently told us at parent-teacher conferences that our son is a joy to teach. He scored 99% on his national math test — the highest she’s seen — and she praised his focus, capability, and curiosity.

His homeroom teacher also has not mentioned behavioral issues.

In my letter, I made it clear that while my son may face occasional challenges in certain environments, he’s generally respectful, engaged, and driven when he feels supported and understood.

That’s what this really comes down to — mutual focus and support.

Too often today, especially with boys, that balance is missing.

When we label every burst of energy or frustration as a problem to correct instead of potential to guide, we’re not teaching discipline — we’re teaching defeat.

In the example above, I mentioned the boys playing basketball for 3 hours straight for 3 different 1 hours games. My son and a number of the other talented boys were on the court for more that 50% of the time.

There is so much energy there.

It reminded me how much boys like my son thrive when they have physical outlets.

In the letter to the teacher I emphasized the importance of physical challenges for the boys during the school day and is there were way to create more movement or activity throughout the school day, it might help them stay more focused and release some of that built-up energy productively.

This is where I fully recognized that many teachers just do not get what it means to educate boys because she could not understand my correlations between those same boys causing trouble, are the same ones who have the energy, focus and teamwork to play basketball for three hour and win all three of their games. How do you make those boys sit for seven to eight hours a day and expect perfect behavior.

There are only two outcomes:

I think there is a complete lack of patience and an ability to positively direct the energy that comes from the "boys will be boys" moments that happen throughout the school day.

In a world full of instant gratification and distraction, the skills that once separated the average from the exceptional are being quietly eroded. For boys in particular — in middle school, high school, and beyond — the challenges are real: long stretches of sitting still, constant stimulation, social pressure, and the demand to behave, perform, and grow all at once.

But here’s the truth that matters:

Discipline and respect aren’t just about compliance. They are the foundation of building a life of purpose.

Learning how to stack your talents — layering skills, attitudes, and habits — is what transforms potential into real achievement. How can a parent deal with this?

I know many will answer homeschool.

We have thought about it a lot.

We went to many home schooling seminars and my wife and I just realized neither of us are the home schooling type. If there was not other option, we would roll up our sleeves and make the commitment, but it would not naturally be our first choice.

My wife does supplement their school with Japanese studies and additional math which has really given them an advantage, but that alone is a daily fight and the thought of teaching everything has always felt over-whelming.

Every time my wife and I get a mail from our son's teachers we always say, "We should have home schooled."

Short of homeschooling, here are some idea I put together that you might find helpful for your boys who are on the more traditional schooling path.

This is actually something I talk about all the time in my newsletter and online posts.

Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

I thought this was kind of an adult concept but I have started to introduce and emphasize this word with my boys.

Too often, we think of discipline as something forced upon a young person: “Do this or else.” But in fact, true discipline gives power back to the individual. It means choosing your response, keeping your focus, controlling your emotions, and doing what needs to be done — even when you don’t feel like it.

For boys today, one of the biggest stressors is the transition between tasks and environments: a class change, an assignment that wasn’t written down, a practice after school. That small gap becomes a trigger for frustration, lateness, missed work, behavioral outbursts. The boy doesn’t set out to give away his power — he just reacts.

This was the case with my son last week.

He forgot his homework and probably felt a mix of emotions. Stress from increasing his home work. Embarrassment because he was called out by the teacher. Anger because he felt stressed out and embarrassed.

I talked to my son about not giving up his control in that situation and trying to talk to the teacher instead.

I emphasized that he will meet all kinds of people as he goes through life. Some will inspire him. Others will test his patience.

I worked him him to understand that it’s easy to stay calm with the people you like — the real challenge is staying in control when someone frustrates him.

When he loses his temper or reacts emotionally, he is giving away his power. He must stay focused on what truly matters — his goals,  his learning, his sports, and his future.

He is in control of his actions and only he can decide how you will show up.

I told him this skill of discipline and emotional control something the needs to add to his talent stack.

I gave him similar examples of people, similar to his teachers, whom I have to deal with at work and outside of work.

I wanted him to understand this is not just something he will face in school and patience and grace is an important life skill he must develop.

I am not sure he understood everything I was talking about but my conversation to him was meant to set a foundation.

Respect is a difficult one to teach a child.

With young kids we often say you must respect your teachers and elders, but we all know that there are many people in this work that do not deserver our respect.

I talked to my son about the realities of life and there are many different kinds of people in this world and I deal with similar problems with my co-workers and bosses as he does with his teachers.

I told him about a Dilbert Cartoon that emphasized, "All of your co-workers (or teachers) are fools. You must learn to pity and tolerate them.”

Respect is often misunderstood as simply obeying rules.

Real respect is: Showing up with dignity.

Respect is recognizing others, acknowledging the effort around you, valuing others, and most importantly respecting yourself.

Here’s what we know: boys may test boundaries, may act up when frustrated — but when they feel respected — they behave differently. They want to measure up.

I can see this so clearly with my son.

His math teacher appreciates his ability in math. See acknowledges my son in class and obviously likes having him in her class. My son reacts very positively to this.

When a teacher says: “He’s a joy to have in class.” — it’s no longer about punishing every misstep, but helping channel the energy into growth.

Respect helps the boy move from reaction to reflection: from “I’m upset so I act out” to “I’m upset so I choose differently.”

I know my son is not always and angel.

I also know that when I get a mail like the one I received this week, the teachers are also part of the problem.

The trick is finding the right balance between the two so my son can learn to better control his emotions, and also understand that I do not expect blind respect out from him in relation to his teachers.

I am not sure my son completely understands the concept of building your talent stack.

I am trying to establish the foundation of this critical life skill with him.

In recent years the term “talent stack” (or “skill stack”) has gained traction — the idea that you don’t need to only be a superstar at one skill, but rather build a unique set of skills, combine them, so that you become irreplaceable. 

Scott Adams — creator of Dilbert — popularized the idea of the Talent Stack:

For boys today, that’s a blueprint for growth.

Too often, school measures success by grades alone.

In real life, success belongs to the person who layers discipline, curiosity, communication, resilience, and respect.

Each layer multiplies the others.

If your boy has a passion for basketball or baseball, great. Layering those interests with focus habits, time-management, reading, cognitive fitness, teamwork and respect changes everything.

The court or baseball diamond becomes a proving ground for life.

A boy who learns to control his temper, stay organized, and treat others with respect isn’t just behaving — he’s stacking the skills of success.

He’s learning to:

That’s a far more powerful education than memorizing facts for a test.

Scott Adams wrote that “every skill you acquire doubles your odds of success.”

That means even small wins — writing clearly, leading with patience, organizing your time — expand your future.

When we teach our boys discipline and respect, we’re not teaching obedience.

We’re helping them build a talent stack that will serve them for a lifetime.

When you look at the daily life of a middle-school boy: long hours of sitting, transitions, classes, social pressure, sports practices, digital distractions — it’s a lot. Behavioral scientists and educators note that a major trend is simply: disengagement.  (Source: Oregon.gov)

So what do we do?

All of this is another form of building their talent stack. Most boys don’t struggle because they’re lazy or incapable.

They struggle because the school system rewards short bursts of focus and compliance, while real growth happens through systems, repetition, and feedback — the very things most schools don’t teach.

Goals are outcomes — “Get an A,” “Stay out of trouble.”

Systems are behaviors — “Review notes every night,” “Ask for help before falling behind.”

I can see the goal behavior in my son. He is going for the short term outcome. The teachers actually want him to execute on the "review notes every night," but do not give him any real instruction on how to do this. The reward is only about the grade, not the system.

When a boy builds a system, he stops chasing validation and starts building momentum.

He learns that success isn’t one big event — it’s a pattern.

Doing his homework, managing his time, showing respect — those aren’t chores. They’re inputs that compound over time.

That’s the real classroom: not the one with desks, attendance and bells, but the one where systems build identity.

When a boy learns to pause before reacting, organize his bag before class, or apologize after losing his temper — he’s casting votes for a new identity:

A young man who has self-control, discipline, and respect.

The real school for boys isn’t only about reading and tests. It’s about:

When a boy learns to control his emotions instead of being controlled by them; when he respects his environment and builds rather than destroys; when he stacks skills over time instead of chasing quick wins — he’s not just surviving middle school, he’s building something. A talent stack. A character core. A foundation for whatever comes next.

As highlights above:

That’s not hyperbole.

If you layer discipline, respect, focus, skill, character — you boy will shift from “just getting by” to “stepping forward.”

Discipline + Respect + Talent Stack = The real trajectory of a strong boy becoming a strong man.

For fathers, mentors, teachers and coaches — we are not only guiding young men through assignments and behavior. We are helping them build systems. We are helping them build character. We are helping them build the stack.

Let’s make each day count.

Let’s stack well.

Let’s show our boys what it means to be a Day Warrior.

The Day Warrior

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